Happy Birthday Amitabh Bachchan

It’s just a matter of time, you know.

Hollywood’s been trying hard to get digital actors to look just right, and while the technology isn’t quite there yet — replicating human eye movements is the last hurdle on the block — there is much interest in resurrecting a young From Russia With Love-era Sean Connery and making Bond movies with the right man in the middle.

In our case, we’re dying for another dose of the angry young man. The one actor we can never get enough of.

Today, Amitabh Bachchan turns 66 and he’s still acting in over a half-dozen films a year, which is a remarkable achievement. But because every one of them isn’t a Nishabd or Eklavya, they usually see the Big B relegated to second or third fiddle, and supporting acts really don’t do our man justice.

So instead of drawing up another futile Best Of Bachchan list, here’s a look at how the mere addition of a young Big B could salvage some significant cinematic failures. A golden era Bachchan makes all the difference in the world to the cast and the film, and surely present-day filmmakers are wistful about the angry man not being young anymore.

Happy Birthday, Amitji. Consider this feature a brief, cheeky look at how evergreen you remain in the nation’s collective heart.

Tashan

Picture a Shaan-days Bachchan instead of Saif Ali Khan, and this recent box office debacle becomes an instant classic.

Amitabh and Akshay Kumar will both have a blast spoofing it up and playing to the galleries, and they’ll riff off each other with wit and natural spontaneity, reminiscent of the way Bachchan and Shashi Kapoor made their buddy movies.

Also, Kareena’s size-zero swimsuitgiri would look rather well-matched next to a lanky Bachchan.

James

We hope our lord in celluloid heaven will forgive Ram Gopal Varma his remaking transgressions, for he clearly knows not what he does.

Yet imagine a taut Zanjeer-style Bachchan coiled and ready to strike with aggression instead of this nondescript hero chap, and we’re talking an instantly wow movie.

The rest of the film around him might certainly be hideous, but watching those lanky kicks attacking with unbridled aggression is well worth the price of the ticket — even if he’s just lashing out at tacky scenery and underwritten characters.

Laaga Chunari Mein Daag

Okay, I know what you’re thinking! This was a film about women.

And that even Bachchan in drag playing the Rani role couldn’t have saved it. (True, though Prakash Mehra could surely concoct an entertaining song sequence with that Mere-Chunari-Main-Tumhaara-Kya-Kaam-Hai premise.)

Imagine, however, a dark drama with the tables turned, a contemporary Bombay-based Midnight Cowboy where a Namak Haraam-intense Bachchan plays a young, financially-strapped protagonist forced to, well, become a sell-out in the big bad city.

Suddenly, we’re talking subversive satire and gender issues and empowerment, and this movie goes from horrid regression to definitively forward-thinking. Awesome.